I am healing

Sitting at the kitchen counter eating my oatmeal with raisins, a searing high pitched tone grabbed my attention. The fire alarm? Cell phone out of batteries? Actually my pager. So funny. I did not recognize the sound. I have been into work twice now. On the second journey I opened up shop so to speak, which included turning my pager back on. There were times on call, especially my first year of cards fellowship when it went off every 20 minutes. Following the beep my laboradoodle Smokey looked at me..... eyes wide open, head tilted slightly, ears raised as if to say what the heck is that.... what have you done!!

I am walking without crutches for short distances. Sitting is more comfortable. The potty chair and shower seat have been sent to the basement. My plastic apparatus for donning socks still is essential. I have PT exercises that I do as frequently as possible, and I can tell my strength is increasing. My hip hurts. Not all of the time, but frequently. It does feel different than before the surgery. Stiffness mostly, but sometimes there will be a pull or cramp when I turn or twist a certain direction.

I also found the courage to get on the scale. My clothes (and bras) don't fit. I have been living in yoga pants for the past month. The damage? Twenty pounds. Ten since November, twenty since I stopped exercising. To my credit when I stare at my naked body in the mirror I do not exactly like what I see, but I seem to have gotten over the loathing. This is kinda huge for me.

Before the infertility, miscarriage, broken wrist, hip problem/surgery there was a sense of control. Focus on success, perfection. Consideration of every move, analysis of each decision as if I held the power, thinking that if I worked hard enough I could make things happen.

This blog is about this experience for me. Now I am healing. I certainly hope the series of terrible events that sent me off track are behind me. But if their purpose was to teach me a lesson, give me a life skill necessary for health and happiness- I get it, finally.