Physician Scientist: BUST

So I have news... that I am kinda anxious about. Looks like my days as a basic scientist are numbered. I am looking to make a change in my career plans. Tossing in the hat, there will be no K award application (although it is almost finished!)

I was supposed to get a faculty position last year. The division director was an the phone with the credentialing people- when it fell through. (NIH funding technicality, cannot be on training grant and see patients independently) Before my surgery I was told January 2009. Last week I met with the boss again- and the plan changed again. Now IF I submit a paper by this fall, I will probably be offered a Clinical Instructor position starting July 2009. I will have to do another fellowship year (yes 5th for those who are counting) for a total of PGY-9! None of this will they put in writing, and when finally appointed to faculty my salary will be a whopping $80K- no negotiations! BRUTAL.

Why do they do this? Because they can.
Who will ever go into academic research? Breed facing extinction.
What are they thinking? Fossils cannot think.

Now I am a good girl. I love academics, spent two years doing research- hung in there for the rough cards fellowship. But honestly I think this is my breaking point!

So if you trade the money you could make in private practice- the alternative is supposed to be prestige, security and intellectual interest. This "TOP 3 Med School" policy of continuously whipping young trainees lacks prestige and apparently security. Can you believe that I still cannot see a patient on my own and even if I do another 3 years of training I am not guaranteed a tenure track position?!! The last 2 years have been the toughest of my life- so bliss in the discovery of science is lost on me.

Options are:
nationwide search for academic science training/ tenure track position
local/ nationwide search for academic clinical position, heart failure and transplant
local search for private practice (part time?) general cardiology

I am having a little identity crisis right now. It is pretty scary.

One point for the pink team

Watching a professional in action. The men fear her. Stiletto heels, purple business suit and some serious chutzpa. Wow, I have never actually had my picture on a poster before- she said referring to the large advertisement we created for her visit. Yes the poster, the flier for lecture attendees, invite for tea with medical students planned for this afternoon. The details. It is my thing. Chit chat, however for me is a more deliberate effort. Our ride to the hospital from her hotel was casual. I was quite impressed when the people we talked about in the car received props during her talk. She chatted with me, and from my answers... this physician is interested in this, so and so taught me that, etc. This is the business of academic medicine. I suppose you do not become Professor without a significant mastery.

My favorite moment so far- last night at dinner. The indignation from the female faculty members when one of our fellows mentioned that the male fellows undress in our office. They choose to change from scrubs to dress clothes in front of us. Okay I know everyone stands around in their underwear on Grey's Anatomy- but this is real life and the locker room is right across the hall! Perhaps these boys feel more comfortable standing in their boxers surrounded by photos of cheerleaders and women with large naked breasts. Oh yea. This is what is posted in their cubicles.

So I spend time (and talent) fostering mentoring from women in cardiology. Why? Because the more I see of these successful, talented, gracious women the stronger I feel about my career, and life actually. But deeper even- I am out for revenge. Not an ugly kind- but just the type where the underdog good guy (girl) wins at the end.

Brooks Brothers Break-down

Please tell me that this has happened to someone else. This afternoon I cried in the Brooks Brothers dressing room. Idiot. So much for the "not loathing my body" mentality. And for the spiritual balance. Several professional projects coming to fruition, a big business meeting in Chicago this weekend. My larger than normal ass has been in yoga pants for the majority of the winter- and my super cute pant suits just do not fit.

As for the crying, two ladies were helping me. One asked my size, and I said oh I am not sure. I recently had surgery and gained weight, and I am not sure how things will fit. One said, are you on a diet now? Do you plan to loose the weight? Wow that thought hadn't actually occurred to me. Just give me the frickin' size jumbo fitted shirt for me to stuff under my interview suit from 5 years ago and let me get out of here!

A triple latte later I regrouped and boldly entered Ann Taylor. Found a nice black and white woven jacket. Will wear with white shirt and comfortable black pants. Found red jeweled necklace that will pop. Not exactly a suit, but will be passable.

So still reciting the mantra..... I am not my body. Cripes I am almost to the point where I can do enough exercise to get a cardio work-out. In the mean time it is excruciating- I would run and hide- if only I could run.......

Whenever a tragic loss occurs, you can either resist or yield......Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life. -Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

An awakening has been in the works for some time now. My first glimpse of deep spirituality was in high school. In the midst of teenage depression I somehow found my way to an evangelical Baptist church. I was raised in a home very skeptical of organized religion, so church was an odd place for me to flee. I was saved and baptized. Dunking in the holy water, head to toe, Southern Baptist style. There I sensed for the first time a spiritual connection. In fact one day during a call to the alter (which can last upwards of 20 min) I felt that God spoke to me. I had a clear vision of what I was to do, my purpose in life. Healer.

Then the preacher gave genital herpes to my Sunday school teacher, and the affair became the scandal that split the church. It seemed that perhaps my parents were right all along. You really cannot trust those holy-roller types.

In med school crisis in the mission to become healer led me back to church. This time a campus Lutheran Student Center. I thought Luther was on to something, the act of believing is the way to salvation, sans the guilt. Met my husband there. Believed I was again on the right track.

My dear brother had an awakening of his own. Realization that he was born gay, and strength to live his life congruent to his true identity. Never was there a moment that I (or our God avoiding parents) hesitated to stand with him. Inner conversations with God asking why did he make him this way? Why do the leaders of His church not see God's creation of homosexuals to be as beautiful and wondrous as the creation of any living thing? Couldn't much sit through a church service after that.

There were still moments. Discovering the perfect words to comfort a patient. Connecting with another human being deeply, without words. Predicting a reality with intuition, sensing beyond the physical. These moments I still believed to be divine. But where/what was God?

Blogging about my exile to the periphery. No longer able to connect with myself in the role of triathlete, superstar cardiologist, mother. Reading this New Earth book is interesting because Tolle teaches about an inner consciousness. He draws connections to the the world's religions. He suggests that setbacks like my year of illness is a common way that people connect with this spiritual force.

Suddenly "Turn it over to God" has different meaning for me.

A buzz

Not sure what has come over me. Last week was off to a decent start. Suddenly, around Wednesday afternoon I developed difficulty being upright. Lying down no problem, head up, yep there it is again, cloud head. The room isn't spinning exactly, but I feel off balance. Like when you are drifting off to sleep or sip a martini a little too quickly on an empty stomach.

My husband suggested I embrace the gentle persistent buzz. Okay no problem, but it is a bit unsettling. Especially when trying remember how a patient is answering my questions or behind the wheel of my Volkswagen.

The cause? I am not sure. I did stop my medications. The Lexapro perhaps the culprit however my psychiatrist Dr. SM (aka best friend from college) told me a long taper is not necessary. Perhaps instead is was the psychiatrist's two children who visited last week, each with runny noses and low grade fevers. Being home for the winter has has its benefits, one being skipping out on flu season. I succumbed on Thursday and stayed in bed all day, but no improvement. Maybe with all of this not standing and not sitting (therefore lying) my heart forgot how to get blood to my brain. But then there is the fatigue issue. Could I just be tired? If so I have never been this tired in my life. Anemia, hypotension?

Whatever. I am tired of this listen to your body crap. My body is a freakin' lunatic. There is only so much I can take- so I do not plan to take this little development lying down. I doubt I will actually pass out or anything.