In the District

This weekend an exciting trip to Our Nation's Capitol- where I will participate in the American Heart Association Lobby Day.

My brother (JkC) lives in DC, and works as a lobbiest for a National Health Care Organization. Saturday was near perfect. We headed to Chinatown and had a fabulous brunch al fresco.






Then an adventure at the Spy Museum, where we participated in Operation Spy. JkC and I, along with 8 strangers investigated, decoded, interrogated and cracked the case- saving the world from nuclear annihilation. Highpoints- when I found the secret door to enter the exhibit, as we quickly became better acquainted with stranger teammates as we dove left and right (twister style) in attempt to escape the path of search lights. Near miss- crouching down to evade capture then realizing I was in complete darkness with nothing to pull my self up with (quads just aren't as strong since they were detached at their insertion).








Then drive out of the district the in in-laws house. There we had a delicious dinner and relaxing evening. My friend at work commented that it was weird to visit in-laws without your spouse. My response- well you will think it is REALLY weird then that I am brining my brother! How lucky I am to be so close to my brother- we really enjoy each other. Wondering how this came to be- is it because we were forced to do chores together, "Mom why does he always get the easy part!" or struggled to share a bathroom, "I can't believe my brother takes longer to get ready than I do!" My little brother turned out to be a really fun and interesting person- and now that he no longer fears me pinning him down to tickle him (he is now much taller and stronger) he feels much more comfortable around me too.

New Steps

Reading over at Life of a Busy Little Bee, Jen is approaching a gap. Plans are tight for the rest of the school year, followed by an array of options to be punctuated by a major life event- A Wedding!

Thinking of my summer- the end of my fellowship, an unknown next step. Seems huge. My rather sudden change of plans and fresh job search. Are we moving? Will be in academics? Private practice? Considering the radical re-alignment I do feel at peace. As if saying no that will not work for me, and getting off the train that was barreling in the wrong direction was a critical step. A needed moment of clarification, pause to unify my gifts and desires.

And then there is the husband, "Just try something else for a while, and if that doesn't work move on. It is never the END of the world." Well said for a man who may again be following his bride across the country.

Not a mommie blog

In case it feels like EVERYONE is having a baby- you are right. Your sense is correct. They are.

In October of 2006 I had Halloween circled on my calendar. My husband and I were whispering back and forth about our little goblin. My first pre-natal visit scheduled for October 31st. We held hands in the waiting room. My urinalysis showed trace blood. From that moment on my husband and I experienced the visit dramatically differently.

Dr. G is my OB. She and I became friends in 1998 when as she was a year behind me in med school. Dr. D is her partner. D and I met in 1996, our first year of med school. She and I played Volleyball together- we were quite good- winning the intramural league.

For me the blood was foreboding- of course G reassured with her voice but her eyes shared my worry. The ultrasound showed a gestational sac- but measured half the size I expected. Still more reassurance, not received as my concern grew. Outside the room G finished her charting, returned with my US picture. Her hand shook as she gave it to me. June 16 was the calculated due date. Congratulations she said. Everything looks good- but let's have you come back next week to take another look.

B and I spent the week like the one before. Occasionally I would mention my worry- and he would question whether I was being rational. He honestly (bless his heart) had no clue of the trouble. I followed his lead.

One week later we returned and the final diagnosis was made. Missed abortion- miscarriage. This time G had not words, just tears in her eyes. I can remember shaking when getting dressed then stepping out of the door to find both D and G. Across the hall I stood in their office and we made a hug circle. How uncomfortable the med student must have felt that day- a young man wishing he could disappear as three women, two his attendings sharing a very emotional moment.

How alienating (and shocking) this experience must be for most women. For me I had some warning and then was surrounded by two doctors/two dear friends when accepting the news. I was sad, but also felt an agony. Anticipating the time that must pass before returning to this same point, with another chance for life. Little did I know that a broken arm and major hip surgery were in my future, pushing motherhood even farther away.

Life does go on. And as expected for young female physicians in our 30's the baby making goes on too. How many more first birthday cards I will send and baby showers will I plan? No need to seem like it doesn't bother me- no need to hide that I feel left out. Just moving forward.

Upside Down

When babies are very young they have the Moro reflex. It is also called the startle reflex. After hearing a loud noise the throw their little arms out and wave them back and forth. This is an involuntary reaction, and fun to elicit as a med student rotating in pediatrics.

If only there were an involuntary response for the shock that comes with the little surprises of adulthood. My conditioned response includes anxiety and worry- both old friends that I would rather be without.

Sixteen years ago I set a goal. Become a doctor. Four years of college, four of med school, four of residency and now four of fellowship. I made it. I am a doctor. A fairly specialized one at that. So how can it be that I have no earthly idea what I will be doing three months from now?!!

Listening to my heart of hearts. Deciding the bedside is better for me than the bench side. Next tossed out of this "Top 10" medical school on my little bottom. Oh boy. No I will not starve to death. I am certain that I will find a job. It is just difficult to pick yourself up from disappointment, and wrap yourself up into a presentable package to peddle around.

The first step to decide you are on the wrong path. Next step to find the right one? This time I am seeking joy.

Out for dinner

It is a warm spring evening. B, Smokey and I walked over to the neighborhood cafe and had dinner on the sidewalk. Then we took the long way home in order to pass through the park. The trees are beautiful with their spring buds, and daffodils have sprouted everywhere. It feels so good to be able to walk without pain. My mind and body take a long exhale together.

Fateful step

Last Monday. My first day back in heels..... conquered the massive convention center. Back to the hotel at the end of a successful day- change into a cute black dress (and sensible black flats) ready for a fun night out in Chicago. Confidently stride out of my hotel onto Michigan Avenue. Rainy gloomy spring weather, typical of the Windy City. A warm evening, but wet from a day of rain. Three blocks from the restaurant. Thinking about the exciting people I met that day. Thinking of the big events in the upcoming week. Thinking of the nice glass of red wine waiting for me. Thinking of plenty things, except my step.... and whoa, right foot out, left foot back, hands in front, down I go. No, not the hokey poky. It was me, biting it on a wet sidewalk in Chicago.

A deep breath later, surveying the damage. Left hip- still there, no pain, good. Left knee, planted into one of those metal grates, ouch. "Honey are you okay?" a tall lurking man says voice straining to hold back a chuckle. "I don't know" I stammered as I stood up slowly and walked off a little less confidently. Pausing at the next street corner, surveying the damage- deep cuts in the knee. Considering the options, now two blocks from the restaurant I decide to seek the solace of friends- expecting other cards fellows assembled for the drug rep dinner.

I step into the restaurant with blood running down my leg and eyes welled- only to find instead of a group of friends- my program director and the drug rep. Welcome they say.... still not yet ready for complete sentences I get out.... can't- stay- dinner.... and the boss quickly realizes something is wrong. Now quite embarrassed about my state I accept his offer to hail a cab and I am on my way back to my hotel.

I find a Walgreen's. Purchase bandages, neosporine and as any girl would do in that situation- a pint of Ben & Jerry's for dinner. Nursing my wounds bloody and emotional I find solace in chocolate fudge brownie.

So I made it home safely. My knee looks rather gnarly, and my swim and bike routine has been suspended for the week. My hip was a little sore for a few days- but no major damage. Another lesson in humility- so much for big girls don't cry at work- all for sure I will recover from in time.