In case it feels like EVERYONE is having a baby- you are right. Your sense is correct. They are.
In October of 2006 I had Halloween circled on my calendar. My husband and I were whispering back and forth about our little goblin. My first pre-natal visit scheduled for October 31st. We held hands in the waiting room. My urinalysis showed trace blood. From that moment on my husband and I experienced the visit dramatically differently.
Dr. G is my OB. She and I became friends in 1998 when as she was a year behind me in med school. Dr. D is her partner. D and I met in 1996, our first year of med school. She and I played Volleyball together- we were quite good- winning the intramural league.
For me the blood was foreboding- of course G reassured with her voice but her eyes shared my worry. The ultrasound showed a gestational sac- but measured half the size I expected. Still more reassurance, not received as my concern grew. Outside the room G finished her charting, returned with my US picture. Her hand shook as she gave it to me. June 16 was the calculated due date. Congratulations she said. Everything looks good- but let's have you come back next week to take another look.
B and I spent the week like the one before. Occasionally I would mention my worry- and he would question whether I was being rational. He honestly (bless his heart) had no clue of the trouble. I followed his lead.
One week later we returned and the final diagnosis was made. Missed abortion- miscarriage. This time G had not words, just tears in her eyes. I can remember shaking when getting dressed then stepping out of the door to find both D and G. Across the hall I stood in their office and we made a hug circle. How uncomfortable the med student must have felt that day- a young man wishing he could disappear as three women, two his attendings sharing a very emotional moment.
How alienating (and shocking) this experience must be for most women. For me I had some warning and then was surrounded by two doctors/two dear friends when accepting the news. I was sad, but also felt an agony. Anticipating the time that must pass before returning to this same point, with another chance for life. Little did I know that a broken arm and major hip surgery were in my future, pushing motherhood even farther away.
Life does go on. And as expected for young female physicians in our 30's the baby making goes on too. How many more first birthday cards I will send and baby showers will I plan? No need to seem like it doesn't bother me- no need to hide that I feel left out. Just moving forward.
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2 comments:
Your post really resonated with me and so took me back to a few years ago. I remember wondering if I would ever get over the little twinges that accompanied sending out another shower gift, or happy pregnancy celebration or baby homecoming fete. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled for my friends and loved ones, but there was that pang that sent a vibration into my core.
Sorry you have had to go through the whole experience.
Oh, one more thing, the part where you describe mentioning your worry and your partner's optimism- so took me back to the week I miscarried...
And I can say, as someone who ended up having parenthood much deferred and who totally didn't plan this path - its all turned out OK. I remember thinking I was never going to get to parent...
Best to you....
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